Relationships

They say that in a kiss one closes ones eyes out of feelings of great tenderness, a person who doesn’t close his or her eyes isn’t being sincere. But I am now going to admit that in my first kiss I closed my eyes out of extreme terror and nausea. I’m sorry but it is true. There was nothing tender about it, my eyes were shut because I was desperately trying to teleport myself to an entirely different place, the top bunk bed on a ship at stormy sea, inside a dirty prison cell in the middle of a scorching hot desert or even surrounded by crazy men with chainsaws ready to chop my limbs off – I wanted to be anywhere but there on a street being kissed by my first love.

I won’t even go into the details of making out on a bed the first time - but if you can picture a body alternating between being stiff as a dead piece of wood or jumpy like a yo-yo with a strong urge to escape head first from the bed then you’ve sort of got a feeling of what I was like.

Then from this first introduction to relationships I went straight into the next:

Married – ok, I wasn’t really married but things sure felt that way. It sneaked up on us, first buying homely stuff like teas and candles to enjoy together, then changing our style of dress, I became a more “mature”, wearing cardigans, pressed trousers and the colours varied from beige to tan to dark chocolaty brown, he stopped wearing his leather vest and patterned knitted jumpers that mama gave him for Xmas. Wow! How we must have turned each other on in our sober grown up clothes!
In the end we shared a flat and used the kitchen ware and towels his mother had saved for our marriage. She even had my wedding dressed planned and the names of our kids to be!!! I don’t blame him for freaking out and kicking me out and I am grateful he did because by then I had been deeply brainwashed by The Sect of Devout Polish Mothers.

So after being reprogrammed I decided to do something quite the opposite I would be a Mistress!

Hmm… I suppose you think I was heaped with gifts of furs and perfumes, had amazing sex and walked around at home in sexy ravishing lingerie just waiting for “Him” to come after work before going to his little wife…
It wasn’t really like this. First of all I didn’t know I was a mistress until it was too late. Secondly I didn’t get any gifts but he did make three-course meals for me which was nice when he didn’t try to kill me by putting nuts in the food. Then the sex…ahh yes…well I’ll give him one thing – he was the first person to make me feel sexy and beautiful and amazing so I guess the sex was out of this world – that is to say, when he could get IT up…

When he proudly told me I was his mistress I thought “God” would drop a tonne of bricks on me as punishment but that didn’t happen so I found a way to punish the adulterer. By getting a little Fuck Friend to commit adultery with myself - yes, I agree the logic centre of my emotions was slightly off at the time.
My little Fuck Friend, well he wasn’t little...and it was good, extremely amazing, out of this universe, filling in every possible way - I hope you get the picture? But there is line I think where sex only can get better if emotions are involved and emotions wasn’t a good idea.

So I went travelling and tried relationships that I never thought I would try:

“One night stands” – Really?! Sex is fun and great and but it only gets better with practise so what is the point with just one night?

“Mother-son relationship” – Cook for him, wash for him, send him to school (I mean work) and comfort him when he cries cause his penis is too small. No. I’ll never do that again

“Baby-snatcher” – I’ll just give you a memorable quote: “No, not there! Nearly…now what are you doing? Really?! Don’t you know anything about the female anatomy?! Look I’ll show you…”

The “Sharing relationship” – A relationship where he shared his love for me with the love for one or two substances of an intoxicating kind, real life soon turned into a rollercoaster of ups and downs. A declaration of love from him could quickly turn into a monologue of verbal abuse and vice versa. Not nice.

Well after testing a lot of different kinds of relationships I have now turned to the “Long distance relationship” and it is ok: I don’t have to deal with the entrapment of a marriage, I am not his mistress (am nearly sure), the sex is amazing the three weeks a year we have sex which is more than just one night and even though he still is a kid he is wiser than the oldest being on earth. Oh and he has the worlds best mother who cooks and cleans for him.

So I think I’ve got a great thing going, don’t you?